1. |
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The Moonshiner
I've been a moonshiner for manys the year,
I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer.
I go to some hollow and set up me still,
And I'll make you a gallon for a ten-shilling bill.
Chorus
I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, I'm a long way from home,
And if you don't like just leave me alone.
I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry,
And if the moonshine don't kill me I'll live till I die
If the ocean was whiskey and I was a duck,
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up.
No women to follow, and the world is all mine,
And I love none so well as I love me moonshine.
Chorus
Now moonshine, O moonshine, oh how I love thee
You killed me poor pappy but dare you try me.
God bless all moonshiners, God bless all moonshine,
For its breath smells as sweet as the dew on the vine.
Chorus
There's moonshine for Liza, there's moonshine for Kay,
There's moonshine for Molly, and a roll in the hay.
There's moonshine for breakfast, there's moonshine for tea,
There's moonshine me hearties for you and for me.
Chorus
An Old Cliché Revisited,or Do Virgins Taste
Better than Girls Who Are Not?
A dragon has come to our village today
We'd like him to leave, but he won't go away
He talked to our king, and they worked out a deal
No homes will he burn, and no stock will he steal
Now there is but one catch (we dislikes it a bunch)
Twice a year he invites him a virgin for lunch
We don't have much choice, so this deal we'll respect,
but we can't help but wonder and pause to reflect
Chorus
Do virgins taste better than girls who are not?
Are they saltier, sweeter, more juicy or what?
Do you savor them slow, gulp them down on the spot?
Do virgins taste better than girls who are not?
Now we'd like to be rid of ya and many have tried
But no one can get through your thick scaly hide
We hope that someday a brave soul will come by
'Cause we can't wait around 'til you're too fat to fly
Now you have such good taste in your women for sure
They always are pretty, they always are pure
But your notion of dining, it makes us all flinch
For your favorite entree is a barbecued wench
Chorus
Now we've got us a plan, and it works out so neat
If you'll settle for nothing but virgins to eat
No more will our numbers grow ever so small . . .
We'll simply make sure there's no virgins at all !!!
Chorus
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2. |
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Maids, When You’re Young,Never Wed An Old Man
An old man came courting me, hey ding dorum down
An old man came courting me, me being young
An old man came courting me, said he would marry me
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
Chorus
For he’s got no falorum, fi diddle I orum
He’s got no falorum, fi diddle I ay
He’s got no falorum, he’s lost his ding dorum
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
Chorus
And when we went to church, hey ding dorum down
And when we went to church, me being young
And when we went to church, he left me in the lurch
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
Chorus
And when we went to bed, hey ding dorum down
And when we went to bed, me being young
And when we went to bed, he lay there as if dead
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
Chorus
She threw her leg over me, hey ding dorum down
She threw her leg over me, me being young
She threw her leg over me damn nearly smothered me
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
Chorus
And when we went to sleep, hey ding dorum down
And when we went to sleep, me being young
And when we went to sleep, out of bed I did creep
Into the arms of a lusty young man
For he’s got falorum, fi diddle I orum
He’s got falorum, fi diddle I ay
He’s got falorum, he’s found my ding dorum
Maids, When You’re Young, Never Wed An Old Man
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3. |
Bell Bottom Trousers
03:38
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Bell Bottom Trousers
I was a serving maid down in Drury Lane,
Me master he was good to me, me mistress was the same.
When along came a sailor on shore on liberty,
And oh, to me woe, he took liberties with me.
Chorus
Singing bell-bottom trousers, coats of navy blue,
Let him climb the rigging, like his daddy used to do.
It was at a ball I met him, he asked me for to dance,
I knowed he was a sailor by the way he wore his pants,
His shoes were neatly polished, his hair was neatly combed,
And when the ball was over, he asked to see me home.
Instrumental
He asked me for a handkerchief to tie around his head,
He asked me for a candle to light his way to bed.
I, a foolish maiden, not thinking it no harm,
I jumped into the sailor's bed to keep the sailor warm.
Chorus
I knowed he was no Samson, but that night we went to town,
He laid me on the bed there till me blue eyes turned to brown.
And early the next morning, before the break of day,
A twelve-pound note he gave to me, these warning words did say.
He said, "Take this, me darling, for the damage I have done,
For you may have a daughter, or you may have a son.
Well, if you have a daughter, then jounce her on your knee,
And if you have a son, well send the bastard out to sea."
Chorus
Now listen all you maidens to me girlish plea,
Don't ever let a sailor get his hand above your knee.
Oh, I trusted one once, and he put out to sea,
And left me with a daughter for to bounce upon me knee.
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4. |
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Oh, How the Money Rolls In
My father makes counterfeit money,
My mother makes synthetic gin,
My sister sells kisses to sailors,
And oh how the money rolls in.
Chorus
Rolls in, rolls in, oh, how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in, oh, how the money rolls in.
My brother's a slum missionary,
Out saving young lassies from sin.
For a shilling, he'll save you a redhead,
And oh, how the money rolls in.
Chorus
Grandma's a boarding house keeper,
She takes pretty working girls in.
She hangs a red light in the window,
And oh, how the money rolls in.
Chorus
Spoken by Hawke:
You know, Cedric,
I think that the next verse is a bit to risky for us to do.
Spoken by Cedric:
You're right about that. We should get our stunt doubles.
Hawke: You mean Tom O'Bedlam?
Cedric: Aye, and Billy Ray Joe Bob O'Bedlam.
Hawke: Aye, they're pretty much crazy enough
to do anything.
My grandpa makes cheap prophylactics,
He punctures the head with a pin.
[POP!]
Grandma, does back room abortions,
And oh, how the money rolls in.
Chorus
My father makes counterfeit money,
My mother makes synthetic gin,
My sister sells kisses to sailors,
And oh how the money rolls in.
Chorus
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5. |
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The Scotsman
A Scotsman clad in kilt left the pub one evening fair
One could tell by how he walked he drunk more then his share
He stumbled on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off unto the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle dido, ring di diddly oh
ETC
About that time two young and buxom lasses happen by
One say’s to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and hansom built
I wonder if its true what they don’t wear beneath their kilt"
Ring ding diddle diddle dido, ring di diddly oh
ETC
They crept upon the Scotsman as quiet as can be
They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more then God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle dido, ring di diddly oh
ETC:
They marveled for a moment then one said, "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in a bow
Around the bonny star that the kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle dido, ring di diddly oh
ETC
The Scotsman woke to nature's call, and he stumbled toward the trees
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he cries, "Aw what’s before me eyes?
Aw lad I don’t know where ya been, but I see you won first prize!"
Ring ding diddle diddle dido, ring di diddly oh
ETC
Donald, Where’s Your Trousers
Chorus
Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low
Through the streets in me kilt I’ll go
All the lassies say hello
Donald, where’s your trousers?
I came down from the Isle of Skye
I’m not very big and I’m awfully shy
All the lassies say as I go by
Donald, where’s your trousers?
Chorus
I went to a fancy ball,
It was slippery in the hall
I was a-feared that I might fall
‘Cause I had me on no trousers
Chorus
I went down to London town
To have a little fun on the underground
All the lassies said as I went down
Donald, where’s your trousers?
Chorus
Now the lassies love me everyone
I let them catch me if they can
You gotta take the breaks being a Highland man
Singing, Donald, where’s your trousers?
Chorus
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6. |
Zulaika
05:43
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Zulaika
Zulaika was fair to see, a young Persian maiden was she,
She lived in Baghdad, where all men are bad,
But none was so bad as she.
Her husband was very old, with riches of silver and gold,
He kept her locked in, away from all sin,
For Persians are very bold.
On her head she wore a turban that came from the fields of Iran,
Where no one can see, she kept a small key,
Which she threw out again and again.
The first time she threw the key out, it landed by the old water spout,
She sighed, and she cried, and the door opened wide,
And in walked her lover Mahaut.
The next time she threw out the key, it landed by the old Banyan tree,
She sighed, and she cried, and the door opened wide,
And in walked her lover Ali.
She threw out the key once again, expecting her lover Suleiman,
She sighed, and she cried, and the door opened wide,
And in walked a whole caravan.
The leader he bowed his head low, Zulaika's fair wishes to know,
"Ah, most of you stay," Zulaika did say,
"But the children and camels must go."
When each man was spent in his turn, Zulaika continued to burn,
"If none of you men can do it again,
Let the children and camels return."
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7. |
Black Leather Band
03:53
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Black Leather Band
Roy Wilkinson
In a neat little town called Gomorrah,
By a cruel distress I was bound.
And many's the hour of happiness,
I spent there while I was tied down.
I tried my best for to please her,
As I fed her grapes and I fanned.
For only the wealthiest slaves gets the pleasure,
Of wearing her black leather band.
Chorus
Oh the moonlight gleamed off her handcuffs,
As she gave me the back of her hand.
The whip cracked down as I lay there,
Tied up with her black leather band.
She liked to go strolling through Sodom,
On a short leash I couldn't go far,
Reined in by a frolicsome damsel,
With tattoos and a dagger-shaped scar.
Chorus
I woke one day from my lust for her,
And the laces I took from my hands.
When she came, I put her in position,
Tied up with her own leather bands.
Chorus
So beware all you randy young fellows,
When a lassie takes advantages of ye.
Enjoy it as long as you like, me boys,
Then turn her right over your knee.
Chorus
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8. |
Oh lassie, come beat me
04:23
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Oh lassie, come beat me
Chorus
Oh lassie, come beat me, come beat me,
Oh lassie, come tie me up too,
Oh lassie, come beat me, come beat me,
You've not done it right if we're not black and blue.
When I was a young smith, I went to a farm house,
I went to a farm house a horse for to shoe.
A lovely young mistress called me to her chambers,
And asked if I'd answer a question or two.
Chorus
Said she, "I'm a lady, and you are a smithy,
You have brought your hammer and anvil with you."
Well I looks on the bed, and see whips, chains, and shackles,
And reassures her that I knows what to do.
Chorus
She grabbed me, she kissed me, she patted my fannie,
She said you do me love, then I'll do you.
I whipped her, I spanked her, I bit on her belly,
And raised up some welts that were purplish blue.
Chorus
I tipped her, I tupped her, she barked like a puppy,
Spike collar and garters, O Lord, what a view,
I haven't a notion when she put them on me,
But I'll wear them again if she wants me to.
[by James ap Benyl]
Chorus
From sundown to sunrise we fancied each other,
We fancied each other, O Lord, it was true.
Come morning the cock crowed, we stared at each other,
And realized then we'd forgotten to screw.
Chorus
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9. |
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The Wild Rover
I've been a musician for many a year,
I've hustled my share of both whiskey and beer.
There's one Irish tune nearly drove me insane;
So I never will play "The Wild Rover" again!
Chorus
And it's no nay never, no nay never no more.
Will I play "The Wild Rover" no never, no more.
I've heard it by Germans; I've heard it by Turks;
I've heard it by all kinds of well meaning jerks,
By great hulking cowboys with rodeo belts
And even by Wogs masquerading as Celts.
Chorus
They play it at concerts, they play it in bars,
They play it on banjos and classic guitars;
On great synthesizers and bagpipes to boot,
And even upon Polynesian nose flutes.
Chorus
Last night in a dream that was clear as a bell,
I died and I wound up in folk singers hell .
Old Scratch and his demons were cackling with glee,
"You'll play 'The Wild Rover' for eternity."
Chorus
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10. |
The Ball of Ballinor
04:00
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The Ball of Ballinor
Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness,
When the ball was over, there were four and twenty less.
Chorus
Balls to your partner, Arse against the wall
If you canna get \ on a Saturday night
You canna get \ at all
The bride was in the bedroom, a talking to the groom,
The front! the front!! And not the back's the entrance to the womb.
Chorus
The queen was in the parlor, eatin' bread and honey,
The king was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
Chorus
The deacon's wife, well she was there, with her butt against the wall,
Put your money on the counter boys, I'm gonna convert you all.
Chorus
There was \\ in the kitchen and \\ on the stones,
Ya' couldna hear the music for the \\ and the groans.
Chorus
The village butcher he was there, a cleaver in his hand,
And every time he turned around, he circumcised the band.
Chorus
The village blacksmith, he was there, his balls were made of brass,
And when they clacked together, lightning shot out from his ass.
Chorus
Cedric the Fiddler, he was there, 'tis true I tell you so,
He entertained the ladies while he rosined up his bow.
Chorus
Hawke the Balladeer was there, drunken as a lout,
Strummin' on his instrument to see what would cum out.
Chorus
The village chandler, he was there, filling in the cracks,
His hand was in the honey comb, his wick was in the wax.
Chorus
Some horny Vikings they were there, along with Eric the Red,
They wore their horns inside their pants, instead of on their heads.
Chorus
The Clan MacRaven, they were there, all around the keep,
They ate up all the haggis, and they buggered all the sheep.
Chorus
The letter carrier he was there, the poor man had the pox,
He couldna \ the lassies, so he \ the letter box.
Chorus
The village cripple, he was there, I did not like him much,
He lined them up against the wall, and \\ with his crutch.
Chorus
The village drunkard, he was there, boisterous and loud,
He was swinging from the chandelier and whizzin' on the crowd.
Chorus
The village idiot he was there, can you imagine that?
Amusing himself by abusing himself and catchin' it in his hat.
Chorus
The village \\ she was there, she \\ \ \\,
and every time she \ \\, \ \\ closed the door.
Chorus
When the ball was over, everyone confessed,
The music was exquisite, but the f**kin' was the best.
Chorus
Chorus
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11. |
Crayfish
03:09
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Crayfish
Fisherman, fisherman, 'fore you put to sea.
Do have a crayfish, that you would sell to me,
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Yes sir, yes sir, now that indeed I do,
I've got a little crayfish I'd gladly to sell to you,
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
So I took him home and I thought he'd like to swim
So I filled up the chamber pot, and I threw the bugger in,
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
In the middle of the night, sure I thought I'd have a fit,
When my dear wife got up for to ( wash her face ),
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Oh husband, oh husband, she cried out to me,
The devil's in the chamber pot, and he's got hold of me,
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Children, children, grab the looking glass,
come and see the crayfish that's bit your mother's ( face ),
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Children, children, let me tell you what,
Come and see the crayfish that bit your mother's ( ear ),
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Children, children, now did you hear the grunt,
Come and see the crayfish that bit your mother's ( nose ),
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
Well, that's all there is, and there isn't any more,
I've an apple in me pocket, and you can have the core,
By the wayside, Aye - Diddily - Di - Do.
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Bedlam Bards Smithville, Texas
Hawke and Cedric, the Bedlam Bards, are famous for playing foot-stomping, heart-pounding music about outlaws, pirates, sailing ships, misadventures, and strong drink. Their performance style stresses passion before perfection, death before dishonor, and whiskey before breakfast. ... more
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